The Worm Has Turned

I’m a girl. I don’t know why I think of myself as a girl when I’m over 35. I don’t attach any unpleasantness to being called (or thinking of myself) as a girl instead of a woman. I don’t think I’m less than anyone else. It’s just how I think of myself.

I don’t wear makeup. I don’t like it. I don’t like the waste of money. I don’t like the waste of time putting it on. I don’t like the feel of it on my skin, even the lightest mineral powder makeup I can FEEL it lying on my skin. I can’t have anything near my eyes. It never looks right on me anyway. It always seems to lie in my pores and my wrinkles and make me look worse. So I put it on and it looks okay in the bathroom and then I go outside and catch a glimpse in the daylight and see how awful it looks and what is the point? My skin still looks bad and now I’ve wasted time and money too? No. No more makeup.

I don’t wear jewelry. I used to wear jewelry. I like jewelry, though I’m a diva about what I like and it’s not the usual either. I just can’t bear the feel of it on my skin now. I always end up taking it off twenty minutes later. Though if someone wanted to give me some baroque pearls, or something with unpolished chunks or garnet...I doubt I'd say no. As long as it looks...raw.

I don’t wear watches. Perhaps this counts as jewelry? But I don’t wear these for a different reason. Something usually goes wrong with them. The battery runs out really fast, digital watches go haywire…so…no watches. I don’t suffer though. I don’t care what time it is.

I don’t wear perfume. I’m extremely sensitive to scents. Most perfumes, even the lightest ones, give me a headache. There’s only a very few that smell good to me. Also? I just don’t like putting some fake smell on me. I don’t mind a nice, soapy, clean smell. In fact, I love it. But perfume, cologne, scents in soaps, hand lotions, and hair products…no thanks.

I like sex. A lot. I like a lot of sex a lot. MY problem is…or maybe it isn’t a problem, just a frustration…is that I’m not a person who can separate love and sex. I wish I could, sometimes. But I can’t. I suppose this keeps me out of worse trouble, given my pledge to NOT actively seek any relationship, at all, for one year. Pledged on Halloween night, 2007, while sitting ALONE for the second year in a row, because my boyfriend didn’t want to be bothered trying to include me in his plans. So…yeah. That’s why he’s not here anymore. But I don’t trust my judgment now after making unwise choices…six? times in a row. My drive is down a lot from what it USED to be, but I still think I’m pretty high up there. In fact, if I wasn’t so stressed from work and money worries I think I’d still be up there…I’d rate it…slightly less than alley cats in heat. I always liked sex, but when I hit thirty my drive went into…over-drive…and now when I ovulate I can smell men across the room. And they had better not be wearing any damn cologne or aftershave.

I like cigarettes. In fact I want one right now. I don’t smoke anymore. I liked smoking. But it’s expensive. And unhealthy. And contributes to yellow teeth and aging skin. So…no more smoking. Right now. Maybe when I get old enough to not care I’ll take it up again.

I like vodka. I do not indulge, because this too is expensive and unhealthy. And not nearly as much fun if there’s no one with which to drink.

{{-Learn from the Past ~ Look into the Future-}}

Did you miss a missive?
Well, now you've done it. - May 29, 2008
Oh, the hypocrisy! - May 26, 2008
Stupid Girl...Wednesday is Garbage day - May 21, 2008
this is what happens from too much loud rock and roll - May 20, 2008
nuthin but a number - May 19, 2008