The Worm Has Turned

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Lord Mango

*-TOO MUCH INFORMATION

Gah...my perfectly good nap was interrupted by an obnoxious dream.

I closed last night. I wasn't able to fall asleep until after 12 am. Then I woke up at 2 am. Then I had to get up at 3:30 am to do an opening shift... but it was me, GeorgiaGirl, and Jakes opening, whee!! Crazy rush, but fun. But when I got home at ten am I was properly tired, in mind and body. Except my mind and body couldn't work nicely together to get me to sleep. Finally I got up and took a hot bath and lo! I did fall asleep! For a whole hour. In which I commenced an obnoxious damn dream which annoyed me and woke me up and now I'm AWAKE.

Here's the dream. Ready for dream interpretation fellow babies? I was wandering in some rich looking town, wandering, wandering, finally I wandered down to the end of a street which just flowed into this sort of spa looking place with lots and lots of swimming pools all over the place. I wanted to go swimming but had no swimsuit. I could've bought a swimsuit there but couldn't afford one and it looked like the kind of place where you needed a membership card, but why were the letting me just wander around?

I found a door to the inside and was walking through wide empty halls in and out of rooms where there were very few people and no one seemed to notice me. It seemed like offices but all sorts of nice clothes were lying about. I saw a red dress I really, really liked. No one was watching, why couldn't I put the dress on and walk out in it? No, that's wrong I told myself immediately. Then I saw a red purse. I looked down at my own purse (the first time in the dream I realized I was carrying anything). My purse was light grey, with sort of patch pockets on the outside, four of them. It was much taller then it was wide. It didn't zipper or even snap closed and was made out of some cheap vinyl. I didn't like it but I didn't have anything else. This purse had the same size and shape as mine, same pockets on the front. But it was a very pretty deep red and made of real leather. It had a zipper to close it. I hemmed and hawed and finally took my stuff out of the old purse, shoved it in the new purse, put it over my shoulder and casually walked out. I went back out through a room with a counter in the middle of it and out a door, then walked down a hall. I started feeling sick with guilt and scared...I hadn't bothered to check if there were any cameras!!

Then I heard somewhere in the building, a sort of buzzing bell ringing. I dropped the purse, whipped all my stuff out of it, and hurry-walked back to the door. When I opened it there were people in the room! Oh dear....but no one even looked at me. I walked up to the women behind the desk and handed her the purse. "Here," I said, "I found this."

"Oh," she says distractedly, "this is one of ours." And she put it on the counter and went back to ignoring me.

Christ, I probably could've kept it! No, that would be wrong, I told myself. And...now I didn't have my old purse either. END!!!

So, I think this dream is speaking of my ambivalence about spending any of my sizable tax return on clothes for myself. I should be saving it for covering the bills I think. I won't be buying fancible play clothes. I need work clothes. I put on weight and the few work clothes that do fit are still too tight.

There's a part of my mind that insists I shouldn't be spending good money on bigger clothes, that I shouldn't be allowed to be comfortable with this weight, I need to lose it. But wearing too tight, too small clothes and not having enough of them is really starting to wear on my psyche.

I'm checking all the thrift stores first! Then the clearance rack at Target, then the regular racks at Walmart. I'm not running to Macy's! I don't need this guilt, Miss Other Self!!! Cut it the fuck out!

I need other things too, new undies and pajamas, which aren't available at most thrift stores and which I wouldn't purchase there anyway. I'm getting those at Walmart too, so shut up, shut up... I do honestly need these things.

But Miss Other Self won't shut up... she is a bitch.