The Worm Has Turned

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Lord Mango

*-TOO MUCH INFORMATION

These are the frequently asked questions. Not questions asked about myself, which would be stuff like, “Do they have a name for what’s wrong with you?” Questions asked about the coffee house in which I work.

Some of these are questions are kind of…stupid. That is, if the customer had used a bit of common sense, or just opened their eyes, before asking, they would have the answer. So of these questions just don’t seem to make any damn sense. Some questions aren’t necessarily stupid but after hearing them a thousand times I’m sick of answering. Some aren’t even questions but statements followed by a look that shows they expect you to explain yourself damnit.

Most days I will cheerfully answer any questions.

But some days… I really wish I could just shoot off my snarky thoughts.

As none of my customers will ever read this diary this is FAQ is not informative. No, it’s cathartic.

This FAQ will first list, in italics, the standard answer given to the customer. But after that will come, usually, the bitchy answer that I’m thinking to myself.

1. “I’ve never been here before.”

Standard Answer: Well we’re glad to have you, welcome.”

I’m Thinking: What’s your point?

2. “When did you open?”

SA: Last February or February 2004

IT: We’re not open. What are you doing in here?

3. “Really? I drive through here all the time and I’ve never noticed you were here.”

SA: Silence

IT: Okay, you got me. We just opened yesterday. I thought I could fool you, but you’re too smart for me!

(Or if I’m in a really bad mood)

Well, maybe you should open your eyes, you self-absorbed twit.

4. Our building and the business next-door share a common drive way. There are about five parking spots up against the back fence next door. We don’t have any of our own parking but people can’t tell right away; they pull into our driveway and park next door. There’s a sign on the fence that states Private Parking, but it doesn’t say for which business. We can’t do anything about that; it’s their fence. In our front window however is a sign stating that the Parking for {the coffee house} is across the street in the Municipal Town Lot. I do make note that if someone is disabled we don’t mind him or her parking in the driveway right next to the door, that’s no problem.

“I just noticed your sign saying to park across the street. I’m parked next door, is that okay?”

SA: Well, it’s not really our lot. We don’t have any of our own parking unfortunately, the only space available to us is the across the street.

IT: No it’s not okay. Why would we bother to put a sign up if it was okay?

5. “Will they have me towed?”

SA, hesitantly: I don’t think so.

IT: They’ve never had anyone towed so far, even though plenty of rude assholes like yourself, who think the rules don’t apply to them and they can do what they like despite signs posted to the contrary, have parked there without being towed. Do you think if I say no that somehow absolves you from responsibility to be a decent human being and haul your ass back outside and move your car?

6. Are you the owner?

SA: No.

IT: No. If I was the owner, do you think I’d be wearing this ugly ass food service, one-step-away from waitress shirt? No, I’d be wearing something classy. And I wouldn’t mind the fact that you left me NO TIP even though I just filled your order for two large mocha non-fat decaf lattes, a small vanilla cappuccino with soy, and chai latte with no foam in less than five minutes.

7. What’s your busiest time/day?

SA: We don’t really have one specific day. It depends on what’s going on that week, if there are meetings scheduled, things like that.

IT: That is a completely pointless question. Why? What the hell do you need this completely pointless information for? Are you planning on showing up? It’s every second Wednesday in a month with an “R” in it, from 7:56 pm to 8:13 pm. We got ‘em lined out the door.

8. “Can you do one of those Starbucks things? You know…one of those things…oh what’s it called? You know. It’s got the caramel and the foam and stuff?”

SA: I’m sorry. I don’t know what you mean. I can make you a caramel latte if you like caramel.

IT: Does this fucking look like Starbucks to you, moron? There are twelve specialty hot coffee drinks and ten blended and iced on that board and twenty syrups for variations therein. We use Oberweis milk and we have local artists work on the walls and books and a very relaxed atmosphere. If you really are so stupid you can’t think past advertising there’s an actual Green Monster just two minutes up the road. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

More to come...